Are you always guilt ridden? Here’s why you should be.

What is it that you actually feel when you say you feel guilty? Guilt is not an emotion, it is a state of mind. It is self-destructive and self-abusive and downright horrible. When you say you feel guilty, you probably feel bad about something. Perhaps you regret the behaviour or the outcome. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sorry, it just means that you have done something that you think you shouldn’t have done. “Shoulds” just like “musts” are thoughts, not feelings. They are derived from processes that we think are reasonable, ie. I should not kiss another man because it will hurt my boyfriend.

But once what’s done is done, how does feeling guilty help in any way? It doesn’t. Guilt is not a feeling, it is a judgment. It is the contrary of innocent. So the only thing that is accomplished by “feeling guilty” is passing judgment on oneself and condemning an action or behaviour or whatever it was, sometimes just a thought or a desire. The problem with that is that it’s unfair. You can’t be the same person who accuses, defends and condemns you all at once. You need to be your friend. You need to be able to analyse and understand what leads to the desire to act a certain way. Feeling bad is one thing, but it’s not going to make a change. Regretting something is normal too. It’s okay to regret a behaviour. It’s not okay to keep beating yourself up over it.

Here’s the worst thing about guilt: it opens you up to abuse. It makes you vulnerable to manipulation. Religions would not survive if it weren’t for this kind of thinking.

So what do you do instead?

Try to be fair. Be honest. Accept the mistake. Accept the humanity of your nature. Take responsibility and find what led you there in the first place. Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. Learn your lesson and forgive yourself.

If you’re being rude because you’re stressing, realise you’re stressing. Apologise. Don’t make excuses. Own the mistake. Find what’s stressing you out. It could be many things, nothing in life is isolated. Take one thing at a time and figure out how it affects your behaviour and your happiness. That will help you prioritise what’s important. Finally, make the change.

Don’t just admire the people around you. They are might be further down the path but the path is open and all you need to do is start walking. Keep going forward and soon enough there will be others that you will be ahead of. It’s a life long journey and it’s great if you learn to be your own friend because that way you can be everyone’s friend 🙂

Ioli

xx

My first vlog

 

I was going to wait until my space was a little more organised before taking the first video but I went to Greece for the bank holiday a few days ago and while I was there something happened that I really wanted to share. So I thought, oh well, and recorded the story replacing the real names of those involved.

Cheating has been happening since the beginning of time but that doesn’t make it okay, or does it?

Here’s my thinking: if I’m looking to cheat on my person, it means that I am unhappy in my relationship. This doesn’t necessarily have to lead to a break up but it definitely shows that there is a conversation that needs to be had. The problem is that most people are scared of change and that makes it hard to start an honest conversation with oneself, let alone someone they love.

Personally, cowardice and dishonesty put me off altogether for the simple reason that people who are like that seem unwilling to take control and be in charge of their own lives and happiness.

It takes bravery to be honest and willing to face hard truths. But you can’t have a meaningful relationship without honesty. As Donna in Suits puts it:

“…but if we can’t tell each other the hard truths, then what are we doing?”

The way I see it, being honest is a duty we all have to ourselves. How else can we figure out life and be happy?

Thanks for watching! I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

ioli

xx

PS. I’m still in the process of moving into my new room in London and I’ve just managed to sort out the internet so I’ll be keeping the blog a little more active 🙂

You’ve got to start somewhere.

Day 0

Do you find a blank page intimidating? I do. The endless possibilities, having to choose a single direction – I freeze. Then I remind myself that it’s all in my head, so I have no choice but to let go and give in to panic. I start typing like crazy, I reject my thoughts, I delete and type over and over again, waiting for the panic to dissolve. Eventually it does. All I need to do is remind myself that it will. And that it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just needs to be a start.

I’m going to call today Day 0 and dedicate this post to new beginnings.